WHICH WEIGHT?

I try to get on the scale every morning before my shower. If my weight has changed, up or down, I write it and the date on a list I keep inside the bathroom cabinet. It's it remained the same, I don't write anything. It helps to keep track.

I've been on a plateau for about a month-plus but recently I've been losing a little bit every couple of days. I'm not doing anything in particular to lose weight. I focus more on getting my water and protein and, yes, not eating too many carbs.

Stepped on the scale this am and stared at it. 163.4 it read. I'm not good at doing math in my head, but for one exciting moment, subtracting 163.4 from 246.4 I came out with 100 down. I lost 100 lbs. I actually looked at myself in the bathroom mirror: this is what -100lbs. looks like?

But I quickly realized that would have meant about 20 lbs down in about a week. When I start losing again, it goes but not that fast. I calm down and do the math. It's 81 lbs. Only.

Only, yeah. Only.

Okay, I think as I step into the shower. 81 lbs. lost is mighty excellent.

At the Nine Month appointment with Dr. Rogers, I changed my Goal Weight from "around 140" to "around 150." Actually, I don't mind being where I am, in the low-60's, but it makes me a little nervous. It's too close to 170 which is too close to 180, which is why too close to 200. So I figure the 150's will be good. It give me wiggle room and puts me at Medium (probably) and around 10/12.

I remember when I weighed 161lb. That was in the early-80's in New York. At one point, I tried amphetamines and lost about 25lbs. I was teaching and needed an interview outfit. Found a navy jacket and skirt and a pretty ruffled blouse. I had to hem the skirt.

I got it pinned up and my husband walked in. I held it up and asked him if the hem looked straight.

It was a Size 16 and my first purchase in that size, but I didn't think. I guess the width of the waist looked huge to him and he blurted out "How big is that?" To give him the benefit I guess he might have been saying: isn't that too big for you? But naturally I heard him criticising me. No, more than criticising; he was making a value judgement about me. Which I accepted, internalized and spent years trying to replace.