Wednesday, April 27, 2011


In the last few couple of weeks, I've been fighting with an impulse to eat - a lot. I step on the scale in the am, and am actually kind of disappointed when I haven't gained any weight. Now, we're talking ounces, but it adds up.

This morning I had accomplished what I appear to have been trying to do, I had gained almost 2lbs. I didn't exactly think: good, but I did think: See.

I think what is going on has to with failure. I do think of myself as a failure. All my life I've failed including school, theatre, marriage and always at weight loss. I feel the old feeling now especially around money and my job.

I'm also feeling - and I wonder if it's one of those Old Feelings surfacing.

This one has to do with taking care of myself or being take care of. I have had to do that all my life. First there's being the youngest and although my family always called me spoiled, the truth as I saw it, is that I was ignored. I got attention when they chose, not when I needed.

Obviously, this wasn't all the time but enough so that I have always had a fear of bothering people. I don't reach out for fear of being slapped back.

I have gotten better mostly because of a couple of very dear friends who have always come through for me. My family, especially my brother and sister are more difficult for me to appeal to. They both have families and naturally are focused in that direction. They have been supportive all my life but they haven't been in my life. We've lived apart most of it and for much of it, didn't know each other very well.

I have to say that since my surgery last June, they have both come through several times when I asked for help. I just wish they were here.

The impulse to eat too much, to want to gain weight has to do, I think, with failure. It is familiar, what I am used to. And I suspect it has to do with my financial situation and the general sense of failure I have about my life.

All the jobs I applied for, interviewed for and didn't get, all the ideas I had, the books I wrote, it's all failed. Maybe I'm feeling the only way to solve this is to fall apart. Maybe then someone will rescue me.

But I don't want to fall apart firs,,t because I don't want to and second because no one will rescue me.

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