Saturday, April 16, 2011


Back up to 165 again and I can blame it on carbs. They are like ants or termites, once one gets in, the rest follow and it's so hard to get rid of them. Now, I haven't gone so far as to eat a cookie - and there was an open box of Safeway c.c. cookies on the table at Ygnacio Vally Lib. on Wed. I was in such a blah mood, bored and tired, that I nearly took a piece.

But I didn't in spite of the rebellious feeling. I was mad at having to be there and I deserved a treat. Not a new idea; I know I've used food as a tranquilizer to get me through whatever I didn't want to go through - like work.

Which is what I did on Thursday. I really wanted a scone but the cafe was out. I should have gone without but I didn't. I bought a muffin. I cut it in several pieces so it took three days to get through it. But I think even the small amount sets up the ol'carb craving.

And let's not forget the sugar. I've been working so hard not to eat too much sugar. One big reason for foregoing the cookie was the idea of getting sick (Dumping) at work. Thank goodness for that fear. It keeps the sugar monkey back.

I guess I didn't realize how scary the carb craving is and all the protein bars with fake chocolate won't assuage it. I know it's a chemical thing but it's about so much more: fun, comfort, a treat.
All the good times included food and the food was often carbs: birthday cake, mashed potatoes, pizza, pasta, and, yes, chocolate chip cookies.
Is that about loneliness again? Well, yes, but it's also about getting through. Which is what we're all trying to do, right? Some of us are just better than others of us.

But really what this is all about is emotional eating and the role food has played in my life. I'm trying to work the system, trying to get around the rules to get back to the old comfort of not feeling.

1 comment:

  1. I can totally relate to all you say her Margot.. thank you for sharing your truth... I saw myself last week, when angry at work, open the red licorice container and take 4 strips and just start eating them two together while telling someone about the anger... then i looked at my hand.. and i said aloud, wow, i just ate because of my anger, i never knew i did that... i knew i did it when other feelings were up and i didn't want to feel them...