LONELINESS

Within a week after my surgery last June, I was faced with an almost overwhelming feeling of loneliness and I didn't have M&M's or Mrs. Fields to go to to assuage it. I stood in my little apartment and wondered what to do with myself while panic surged up.

Then I remembered what all the therapists in the world have said: feel it. This is about addiction and addiction is about not feeling. I remembered too what my last shrink said: after the chocolate things will get interesting.

Okay, I thought, I will feel it. I did. And, yes, it got interesting.

I recognized the loneliness as being old and familiar to me from long ago. Had this been what all the eating was about?

I talked to two friends about it. One reminded me that it wouldn't kill me, the other that I was an adult and capable. They were both right.

Not that I don't feel loneliness now. It's a funny thing, isn't it? It comes when you are actually alone and when you're not. Some days at work, after four hours on the reference desk, I feel it and sometimes at the end of a week-end, when I've hardly spoken to anyone, I feel it.

But I've decided that it's ok. Because I'm not eating on it. I'm feeling it. Not fun, but there you are.