ANOTHER POUND, GO FIGURE

I'm weighing myself every week now since I've stayed at the same weight for a couple of months. Because my nails were splitting badly, I decided to make sure I was getting enough calcium and protein. Now I don't know if that made the difference because I am not not eating, but I lost a pound.

So that all continues in the right direction.

Now if only the rest of my life would.

A Year Out

Yesterday was the anniversary of my weight loss surgery. I got on the scale and saw 162.4, the same weight I've been for about two months, give or take an up or down. From the weight I was in the doctor's office, and I'm going to go from there from now on, I have lost 97.8 lbs. That's pretty damn good.

On the other hand, in my typical Puritan mindset, I'm thinking: why couldn't you go for the full 100? Huh? HUH?

I could if I worked on it so leave me alone, Diffidence Abbott. (That's my Puritan name. What's yours? And while we're on the subject my Indian name is Woman Who Loves Fringe.) Anyway, I think instead of trying to lose my weight, I've been trying to figure out how much food I can eat and what food to eat to keep myself where I am - and healthy. Hopefully, I'm working it out, although I have ventured into some dangerous sugary shoals.

Although I have not eaten candy, except for the lousy chocolate in protein bars, and I question whether that is anything like the real thing but a facsimile concocted to make us chocoholics believe we're eating our favorite food, I have tried store-bought cc cookies, one at a time. The result? Not real impressed.

Yesterday, I ate two or three - three I think - bites of D's brownies at work. I spread the bites over the day. This sounds as though I planned them, but I didn't.

I have the urge to eat at work. What's that about?

Here's what I think: it's a combo of boredom, stress and just get-me-through-the-day-itis. I need to stop because it's a very bad habit even if I'm eating almonds or cheese or protein bars. Am I really hungry? I don't think so but I do get uncomfortable if there's nothing there, if I forget the nuts. I could be hungry, which would mean I'm not eating enough at lunch, but I feel I am. The stomachette feels full and sometimes even too full.

Well, I'll keep working on it. Meanwhile, I'm happy I'm a Size 12 and the year is over and the surgery is over. The memory of that experience will stick with me a loooong time. Don't want to do that again.

MORE YOURSELF

A dear friend of mine had WLS last April. I saw a picture of her on Facebook yesterday her husband posted and my first impression is that she looks more herself. It was also the first thought I had when I saw her after the surgery. She had lost a lot of weight before hand and it's going very slowly now but still the outline of her face was more distinct. She's always been overweight since I've known her, but it's as though the extra pounds blurred not only her features, but herself.

So this morning I woke up and thought my strong dissatisfaction with my life, my determination to start writing again is all part of my becoming more myself. My own overweight blurred my course. It was what I realized when I knew I had to have the surgery or sit here watching crap TV and eating Mrs. Fields for the rest of my life.

I've always believed that my job as a human being is to become the best me I could be. I've fallen down on that task, way down, but now I'm struggling back.

164.2

164.2 pounds is what I weigh now. to some people that may seem like too much but to me, it's almost 100lbs down from where I started. I've been hovering in the low-160's for about a month and a half, going up and down within a few pounds. It's not a bad place to be at all, but it's too close to 170 which is too close to 200.

I guess I don't believe I won't gain it all back. I've done it before.

I realized the other day that I haven't been trying to lose more weight. I'm just trying not to move too far from where I am now. But I would like to lose a little and will have to work at it. I'd rather not but it's the only way to get where I want to be.

Also, the weight will come off. Not like before when I practically had to starve to lose it.

I seem to eat a lot more now, although it's just in comparison to the months right after surgery. The thing I have to watch is eating too often. Because I had to get all the protein in, I had small meals 6 times a day. There's a small possibility that I might not have to do that anymore!

Think about, Margot.

SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON

In the last few couple of weeks, I've been fighting with an impulse to eat - a lot. I step on the scale in the am, and am actually kind of disappointed when I haven't gained any weight. Now, we're talking ounces, but it adds up.

This morning I had accomplished what I appear to have been trying to do, I had gained almost 2lbs. I didn't exactly think: good, but I did think: See.

I think what is going on has to with failure. I do think of myself as a failure. All my life I've failed including school, theatre, marriage and always at weight loss. I feel the old feeling now especially around money and my job.

I'm also feeling - and I wonder if it's one of those Old Feelings surfacing.

This one has to do with taking care of myself or being take care of. I have had to do that all my life. First there's being the youngest and although my family always called me spoiled, the truth as I saw it, is that I was ignored. I got attention when they chose, not when I needed.

Obviously, this wasn't all the time but enough so that I have always had a fear of bothering people. I don't reach out for fear of being slapped back.

I have gotten better mostly because of a couple of very dear friends who have always come through for me. My family, especially my brother and sister are more difficult for me to appeal to. They both have families and naturally are focused in that direction. They have been supportive all my life but they haven't been in my life. We've lived apart most of it and for much of it, didn't know each other very well.

I have to say that since my surgery last June, they have both come through several times when I asked for help. I just wish they were here.

The impulse to eat too much, to want to gain weight has to do, I think, with failure. It is familiar, what I am used to. And I suspect it has to do with my financial situation and the general sense of failure I have about my life.

All the jobs I applied for, interviewed for and didn't get, all the ideas I had, the books I wrote, it's all failed. Maybe I'm feeling the only way to solve this is to fall apart. Maybe then someone will rescue me.

But I don't want to fall apart firs,,t because I don't want to and second because no one will rescue me.

TOO POOPED TO POP - OR DO MUCH ELSE

I was so done in today, Saturday, that I left work at half-day. I suddenly realized I felt like crap, achy all over. I felt I just had to push on through, and have felt that way all week. My head hurt and it was as though it just couldn't get clear. It dawned on me that I should just go home and sleep. So I asked my supervisor and off I went.

On Monday, I work a six-hour shift at a very busy library. Was absolutely knackered and the next day I felt done in, a feeling which continued through the week. I've been getting home and unable to do anything but get dinner and stare at the tube. I've gone to bed early each night but it obviously takes more than a decent night's sleep to restore my battery.

I hope that it's still a result of my surgery. I've lost weight, my blood work has been good and I'm eating well. I think. I've been thinking I should make an appointment with the nutritionist at John Muir to check on that. I am taking all my vitamins, etc.

It worries me that I am finding it more and more difficult doing library work. I wish I could just do my 20 hours. It's the extra hours that are hard. Even for a short four-hour shift, I'm on the desk for three hours and since the shift is usually for the busiest times of day, the hours are intense.

Customer service means dealing with many people and even when they are pleasant interactions, they are draining.

ABSORPTION OR NOT

Went to my support group yesterday and we talked about the Sleeve which is what the newest weight loss surgery procedure is called. In it, a portion of your stomach is removed, leaving you a long narrow stomach. Because your pyloric valve is still intact, you don't have the problems of absorption that I have with the Roux en Y. Also you can take ibuprofen in tablet form, where I have to smash whatever tablets I take - and I can't take the pain killer.

The down side is the weight loss goes more slowly, but you don't have a lifetime of making sure you get the correct nutrition. Of course everyone needs to be careful of that.

I seem to remember hearing about it when I was doing my first interviews and not liking the idea of my stomach being removed. Needless to say, the Sleeve is not reversible.

Another procedure is the Lapband, which I rejected when I heard you had to go in to the doctor to have it "tightened." The band is like an inner tube placed around the top of your stomach. Slowly, over the months the doctor injects saline into it which tightens it. It means your stomach feels full but because you still have your whole stomach, you still have the acid maker and the hunger hormones so you have your regular hunger, stomach acid, etc. And you can eat anything. The actual weight loss is much slower.

With both the sleeve and RNY, the actual chemistry of your stomach is changed so your old cravings and tastes are changed.

Another interesting thing we talked about was hormonal changes that happen when you lose lots of weight. I didn't know this. It appears that hormones lodge - like opiates do - in your fat cells and when you lose weight and the fat cells go, the hormones...well, go elsewhere.

I picture them bouncing around your insides, creating havoc until they dissipate. Do they dissipate?

Several people talked about going through real bitchy periods or weepy; several said they felt as they did when pregnant. We also talked about feeling achy all over which comes from the fast loss. You body is catching up. A man, there were two there yesterday, said he found he was walking bent over because his stomach had been so big. It was gone but he was still walking as though he had to push it in front of him.

I did feel very uncomfortable, especially sitting at a desk. My back ached like crazy. At group, someone said it was from having rolls of fat. You get used to leaning against them and when they're gone, you have to support yourself.

A couple of people said they fell down several times because their center of gravity was changed. At least I haven't done that!

It was good to be reminded of the changes that have taken place, not just how I eat but my most basic self. I take up different air space and move differently through it. Getting in and out of the car is different or in and out of bed or the shower. I can hold this computer on my lap. Hell, I have a lap!