SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON

In the last few couple of weeks, I've been fighting with an impulse to eat - a lot. I step on the scale in the am, and am actually kind of disappointed when I haven't gained any weight. Now, we're talking ounces, but it adds up.

This morning I had accomplished what I appear to have been trying to do, I had gained almost 2lbs. I didn't exactly think: good, but I did think: See.

I think what is going on has to with failure. I do think of myself as a failure. All my life I've failed including school, theatre, marriage and always at weight loss. I feel the old feeling now especially around money and my job.

I'm also feeling - and I wonder if it's one of those Old Feelings surfacing.

This one has to do with taking care of myself or being take care of. I have had to do that all my life. First there's being the youngest and although my family always called me spoiled, the truth as I saw it, is that I was ignored. I got attention when they chose, not when I needed.

Obviously, this wasn't all the time but enough so that I have always had a fear of bothering people. I don't reach out for fear of being slapped back.

I have gotten better mostly because of a couple of very dear friends who have always come through for me. My family, especially my brother and sister are more difficult for me to appeal to. They both have families and naturally are focused in that direction. They have been supportive all my life but they haven't been in my life. We've lived apart most of it and for much of it, didn't know each other very well.

I have to say that since my surgery last June, they have both come through several times when I asked for help. I just wish they were here.

The impulse to eat too much, to want to gain weight has to do, I think, with failure. It is familiar, what I am used to. And I suspect it has to do with my financial situation and the general sense of failure I have about my life.

All the jobs I applied for, interviewed for and didn't get, all the ideas I had, the books I wrote, it's all failed. Maybe I'm feeling the only way to solve this is to fall apart. Maybe then someone will rescue me.

But I don't want to fall apart firs,,t because I don't want to and second because no one will rescue me.

TOO POOPED TO POP - OR DO MUCH ELSE

I was so done in today, Saturday, that I left work at half-day. I suddenly realized I felt like crap, achy all over. I felt I just had to push on through, and have felt that way all week. My head hurt and it was as though it just couldn't get clear. It dawned on me that I should just go home and sleep. So I asked my supervisor and off I went.

On Monday, I work a six-hour shift at a very busy library. Was absolutely knackered and the next day I felt done in, a feeling which continued through the week. I've been getting home and unable to do anything but get dinner and stare at the tube. I've gone to bed early each night but it obviously takes more than a decent night's sleep to restore my battery.

I hope that it's still a result of my surgery. I've lost weight, my blood work has been good and I'm eating well. I think. I've been thinking I should make an appointment with the nutritionist at John Muir to check on that. I am taking all my vitamins, etc.

It worries me that I am finding it more and more difficult doing library work. I wish I could just do my 20 hours. It's the extra hours that are hard. Even for a short four-hour shift, I'm on the desk for three hours and since the shift is usually for the busiest times of day, the hours are intense.

Customer service means dealing with many people and even when they are pleasant interactions, they are draining.

ABSORPTION OR NOT

Went to my support group yesterday and we talked about the Sleeve which is what the newest weight loss surgery procedure is called. In it, a portion of your stomach is removed, leaving you a long narrow stomach. Because your pyloric valve is still intact, you don't have the problems of absorption that I have with the Roux en Y. Also you can take ibuprofen in tablet form, where I have to smash whatever tablets I take - and I can't take the pain killer.

The down side is the weight loss goes more slowly, but you don't have a lifetime of making sure you get the correct nutrition. Of course everyone needs to be careful of that.

I seem to remember hearing about it when I was doing my first interviews and not liking the idea of my stomach being removed. Needless to say, the Sleeve is not reversible.

Another procedure is the Lapband, which I rejected when I heard you had to go in to the doctor to have it "tightened." The band is like an inner tube placed around the top of your stomach. Slowly, over the months the doctor injects saline into it which tightens it. It means your stomach feels full but because you still have your whole stomach, you still have the acid maker and the hunger hormones so you have your regular hunger, stomach acid, etc. And you can eat anything. The actual weight loss is much slower.

With both the sleeve and RNY, the actual chemistry of your stomach is changed so your old cravings and tastes are changed.

Another interesting thing we talked about was hormonal changes that happen when you lose lots of weight. I didn't know this. It appears that hormones lodge - like opiates do - in your fat cells and when you lose weight and the fat cells go, the hormones...well, go elsewhere.

I picture them bouncing around your insides, creating havoc until they dissipate. Do they dissipate?

Several people talked about going through real bitchy periods or weepy; several said they felt as they did when pregnant. We also talked about feeling achy all over which comes from the fast loss. You body is catching up. A man, there were two there yesterday, said he found he was walking bent over because his stomach had been so big. It was gone but he was still walking as though he had to push it in front of him.

I did feel very uncomfortable, especially sitting at a desk. My back ached like crazy. At group, someone said it was from having rolls of fat. You get used to leaning against them and when they're gone, you have to support yourself.

A couple of people said they fell down several times because their center of gravity was changed. At least I haven't done that!

It was good to be reminded of the changes that have taken place, not just how I eat but my most basic self. I take up different air space and move differently through it. Getting in and out of the car is different or in and out of bed or the shower. I can hold this computer on my lap. Hell, I have a lap!

CARBS ARE THE PROB

Back up to 165 again and I can blame it on carbs. They are like ants or termites, once one gets in, the rest follow and it's so hard to get rid of them. Now, I haven't gone so far as to eat a cookie - and there was an open box of Safeway c.c. cookies on the table at Ygnacio Vally Lib. on Wed. I was in such a blah mood, bored and tired, that I nearly took a piece.

But I didn't in spite of the rebellious feeling. I was mad at having to be there and I deserved a treat. Not a new idea; I know I've used food as a tranquilizer to get me through whatever I didn't want to go through - like work.

Which is what I did on Thursday. I really wanted a scone but the cafe was out. I should have gone without but I didn't. I bought a muffin. I cut it in several pieces so it took three days to get through it. But I think even the small amount sets up the ol'carb craving.

And let's not forget the sugar. I've been working so hard not to eat too much sugar. One big reason for foregoing the cookie was the idea of getting sick (Dumping) at work. Thank goodness for that fear. It keeps the sugar monkey back.

I guess I didn't realize how scary the carb craving is and all the protein bars with fake chocolate won't assuage it. I know it's a chemical thing but it's about so much more: fun, comfort, a treat.

All the good times included food and the food was often carbs: birthday cake, mashed potatoes, pizza, pasta, and, yes, chocolate chip cookies.

Is that about loneliness again? Well, yes, but it's also about getting through. Which is what we're all trying to do, right? Some of us are just better than others of us.

But really what this is all about is emotional eating and the role food has played in my life. I'm trying to work the system, trying to get around the rules to get back to the old comfort of not feeling.

Bummer, Man

Got an email from Admin that I was going to get a certificate for my 10 years at the lib. "Congratulations, Patricia!" continued the email.

Jeeze, I knew they didn't know who I was - or care. Jeeze, if it weren't so pathetic it would be funny, which it sort of is.

Am I a chump for sticking it out for ten years?

I worry now that I'll be old to do something else. Am I doomed to spend the next X number of years in this apartment, at that job, nearly penniless but with great medical benefits? That was the plan Pre-Surgery because I could eat chocolate. Now I can't and I cannot do this.

My flight to the reunion over Memorial Day week-end stops in Albuquerque. Maybe I'll get off on the way home and stay.

YOU'D THINK I'D LIKE IT

I'm having a strange reaction of people's reaction to me. Work colleagues who haven't seen me exclaim when they see me how great I look. How mean of them!

Not to say I'd go back, not for a minute.

I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe I'm just embarrassed at the attention, especially about my looks, that is about my body. In the past, I've gotten compliments on my clothes. Now it's me.

You'd think I'd like it. Weird.

SAME OL', SAME OL'

I have this sinking feeling quite often. It's been happening the last ten years or so and it's always related to money. I got a part-time job with the county library system ten years ago the 30th of this month. I really liked the job and was sure I'd get a full-time position soon.

I haven't.

Meanwhile I got another job writing a weekly column for a local newspaper. Last Jan. I was let go. I have not been able to replace the little bit of money the column brought it. Plus the library hours were cut (I work extra hours.) and on top of that I lost income to furlough days. The month or so after my surgery was pretty hard. If it weren't for my friends and my brother, I don't know what I would have done.

But you'd think I would be able to solve this problem. You'd think I could land a full-time job - somewhere. It's discouraging and hence the sinking feeling.