ANOTHER POUND, GO FIGURE

I'm weighing myself every week now since I've stayed at the same weight for a couple of months. Because my nails were splitting badly, I decided to make sure I was getting enough calcium and protein. Now I don't know if that made the difference because I am not not eating, but I lost a pound.

So that all continues in the right direction.

Now if only the rest of my life would.

A Year Out

Yesterday was the anniversary of my weight loss surgery. I got on the scale and saw 162.4, the same weight I've been for about two months, give or take an up or down. From the weight I was in the doctor's office, and I'm going to go from there from now on, I have lost 97.8 lbs. That's pretty damn good.

On the other hand, in my typical Puritan mindset, I'm thinking: why couldn't you go for the full 100? Huh? HUH?

I could if I worked on it so leave me alone, Diffidence Abbott. (That's my Puritan name. What's yours? And while we're on the subject my Indian name is Woman Who Loves Fringe.) Anyway, I think instead of trying to lose my weight, I've been trying to figure out how much food I can eat and what food to eat to keep myself where I am - and healthy. Hopefully, I'm working it out, although I have ventured into some dangerous sugary shoals.

Although I have not eaten candy, except for the lousy chocolate in protein bars, and I question whether that is anything like the real thing but a facsimile concocted to make us chocoholics believe we're eating our favorite food, I have tried store-bought cc cookies, one at a time. The result? Not real impressed.

Yesterday, I ate two or three - three I think - bites of D's brownies at work. I spread the bites over the day. This sounds as though I planned them, but I didn't.

I have the urge to eat at work. What's that about?

Here's what I think: it's a combo of boredom, stress and just get-me-through-the-day-itis. I need to stop because it's a very bad habit even if I'm eating almonds or cheese or protein bars. Am I really hungry? I don't think so but I do get uncomfortable if there's nothing there, if I forget the nuts. I could be hungry, which would mean I'm not eating enough at lunch, but I feel I am. The stomachette feels full and sometimes even too full.

Well, I'll keep working on it. Meanwhile, I'm happy I'm a Size 12 and the year is over and the surgery is over. The memory of that experience will stick with me a loooong time. Don't want to do that again.

MORE YOURSELF

A dear friend of mine had WLS last April. I saw a picture of her on Facebook yesterday her husband posted and my first impression is that she looks more herself. It was also the first thought I had when I saw her after the surgery. She had lost a lot of weight before hand and it's going very slowly now but still the outline of her face was more distinct. She's always been overweight since I've known her, but it's as though the extra pounds blurred not only her features, but herself.

So this morning I woke up and thought my strong dissatisfaction with my life, my determination to start writing again is all part of my becoming more myself. My own overweight blurred my course. It was what I realized when I knew I had to have the surgery or sit here watching crap TV and eating Mrs. Fields for the rest of my life.

I've always believed that my job as a human being is to become the best me I could be. I've fallen down on that task, way down, but now I'm struggling back.

164.2

164.2 pounds is what I weigh now. to some people that may seem like too much but to me, it's almost 100lbs down from where I started. I've been hovering in the low-160's for about a month and a half, going up and down within a few pounds. It's not a bad place to be at all, but it's too close to 170 which is too close to 200.

I guess I don't believe I won't gain it all back. I've done it before.

I realized the other day that I haven't been trying to lose more weight. I'm just trying not to move too far from where I am now. But I would like to lose a little and will have to work at it. I'd rather not but it's the only way to get where I want to be.

Also, the weight will come off. Not like before when I practically had to starve to lose it.

I seem to eat a lot more now, although it's just in comparison to the months right after surgery. The thing I have to watch is eating too often. Because I had to get all the protein in, I had small meals 6 times a day. There's a small possibility that I might not have to do that anymore!

Think about, Margot.

SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON

In the last few couple of weeks, I've been fighting with an impulse to eat - a lot. I step on the scale in the am, and am actually kind of disappointed when I haven't gained any weight. Now, we're talking ounces, but it adds up.

This morning I had accomplished what I appear to have been trying to do, I had gained almost 2lbs. I didn't exactly think: good, but I did think: See.

I think what is going on has to with failure. I do think of myself as a failure. All my life I've failed including school, theatre, marriage and always at weight loss. I feel the old feeling now especially around money and my job.

I'm also feeling - and I wonder if it's one of those Old Feelings surfacing.

This one has to do with taking care of myself or being take care of. I have had to do that all my life. First there's being the youngest and although my family always called me spoiled, the truth as I saw it, is that I was ignored. I got attention when they chose, not when I needed.

Obviously, this wasn't all the time but enough so that I have always had a fear of bothering people. I don't reach out for fear of being slapped back.

I have gotten better mostly because of a couple of very dear friends who have always come through for me. My family, especially my brother and sister are more difficult for me to appeal to. They both have families and naturally are focused in that direction. They have been supportive all my life but they haven't been in my life. We've lived apart most of it and for much of it, didn't know each other very well.

I have to say that since my surgery last June, they have both come through several times when I asked for help. I just wish they were here.

The impulse to eat too much, to want to gain weight has to do, I think, with failure. It is familiar, what I am used to. And I suspect it has to do with my financial situation and the general sense of failure I have about my life.

All the jobs I applied for, interviewed for and didn't get, all the ideas I had, the books I wrote, it's all failed. Maybe I'm feeling the only way to solve this is to fall apart. Maybe then someone will rescue me.

But I don't want to fall apart firs,,t because I don't want to and second because no one will rescue me.

TOO POOPED TO POP - OR DO MUCH ELSE

I was so done in today, Saturday, that I left work at half-day. I suddenly realized I felt like crap, achy all over. I felt I just had to push on through, and have felt that way all week. My head hurt and it was as though it just couldn't get clear. It dawned on me that I should just go home and sleep. So I asked my supervisor and off I went.

On Monday, I work a six-hour shift at a very busy library. Was absolutely knackered and the next day I felt done in, a feeling which continued through the week. I've been getting home and unable to do anything but get dinner and stare at the tube. I've gone to bed early each night but it obviously takes more than a decent night's sleep to restore my battery.

I hope that it's still a result of my surgery. I've lost weight, my blood work has been good and I'm eating well. I think. I've been thinking I should make an appointment with the nutritionist at John Muir to check on that. I am taking all my vitamins, etc.

It worries me that I am finding it more and more difficult doing library work. I wish I could just do my 20 hours. It's the extra hours that are hard. Even for a short four-hour shift, I'm on the desk for three hours and since the shift is usually for the busiest times of day, the hours are intense.

Customer service means dealing with many people and even when they are pleasant interactions, they are draining.

ABSORPTION OR NOT

Went to my support group yesterday and we talked about the Sleeve which is what the newest weight loss surgery procedure is called. In it, a portion of your stomach is removed, leaving you a long narrow stomach. Because your pyloric valve is still intact, you don't have the problems of absorption that I have with the Roux en Y. Also you can take ibuprofen in tablet form, where I have to smash whatever tablets I take - and I can't take the pain killer.

The down side is the weight loss goes more slowly, but you don't have a lifetime of making sure you get the correct nutrition. Of course everyone needs to be careful of that.

I seem to remember hearing about it when I was doing my first interviews and not liking the idea of my stomach being removed. Needless to say, the Sleeve is not reversible.

Another procedure is the Lapband, which I rejected when I heard you had to go in to the doctor to have it "tightened." The band is like an inner tube placed around the top of your stomach. Slowly, over the months the doctor injects saline into it which tightens it. It means your stomach feels full but because you still have your whole stomach, you still have the acid maker and the hunger hormones so you have your regular hunger, stomach acid, etc. And you can eat anything. The actual weight loss is much slower.

With both the sleeve and RNY, the actual chemistry of your stomach is changed so your old cravings and tastes are changed.

Another interesting thing we talked about was hormonal changes that happen when you lose lots of weight. I didn't know this. It appears that hormones lodge - like opiates do - in your fat cells and when you lose weight and the fat cells go, the hormones...well, go elsewhere.

I picture them bouncing around your insides, creating havoc until they dissipate. Do they dissipate?

Several people talked about going through real bitchy periods or weepy; several said they felt as they did when pregnant. We also talked about feeling achy all over which comes from the fast loss. You body is catching up. A man, there were two there yesterday, said he found he was walking bent over because his stomach had been so big. It was gone but he was still walking as though he had to push it in front of him.

I did feel very uncomfortable, especially sitting at a desk. My back ached like crazy. At group, someone said it was from having rolls of fat. You get used to leaning against them and when they're gone, you have to support yourself.

A couple of people said they fell down several times because their center of gravity was changed. At least I haven't done that!

It was good to be reminded of the changes that have taken place, not just how I eat but my most basic self. I take up different air space and move differently through it. Getting in and out of the car is different or in and out of bed or the shower. I can hold this computer on my lap. Hell, I have a lap!

CARBS ARE THE PROB

Back up to 165 again and I can blame it on carbs. They are like ants or termites, once one gets in, the rest follow and it's so hard to get rid of them. Now, I haven't gone so far as to eat a cookie - and there was an open box of Safeway c.c. cookies on the table at Ygnacio Vally Lib. on Wed. I was in such a blah mood, bored and tired, that I nearly took a piece.

But I didn't in spite of the rebellious feeling. I was mad at having to be there and I deserved a treat. Not a new idea; I know I've used food as a tranquilizer to get me through whatever I didn't want to go through - like work.

Which is what I did on Thursday. I really wanted a scone but the cafe was out. I should have gone without but I didn't. I bought a muffin. I cut it in several pieces so it took three days to get through it. But I think even the small amount sets up the ol'carb craving.

And let's not forget the sugar. I've been working so hard not to eat too much sugar. One big reason for foregoing the cookie was the idea of getting sick (Dumping) at work. Thank goodness for that fear. It keeps the sugar monkey back.

I guess I didn't realize how scary the carb craving is and all the protein bars with fake chocolate won't assuage it. I know it's a chemical thing but it's about so much more: fun, comfort, a treat.

All the good times included food and the food was often carbs: birthday cake, mashed potatoes, pizza, pasta, and, yes, chocolate chip cookies.

Is that about loneliness again? Well, yes, but it's also about getting through. Which is what we're all trying to do, right? Some of us are just better than others of us.

But really what this is all about is emotional eating and the role food has played in my life. I'm trying to work the system, trying to get around the rules to get back to the old comfort of not feeling.

Bummer, Man

Got an email from Admin that I was going to get a certificate for my 10 years at the lib. "Congratulations, Patricia!" continued the email.

Jeeze, I knew they didn't know who I was - or care. Jeeze, if it weren't so pathetic it would be funny, which it sort of is.

Am I a chump for sticking it out for ten years?

I worry now that I'll be old to do something else. Am I doomed to spend the next X number of years in this apartment, at that job, nearly penniless but with great medical benefits? That was the plan Pre-Surgery because I could eat chocolate. Now I can't and I cannot do this.

My flight to the reunion over Memorial Day week-end stops in Albuquerque. Maybe I'll get off on the way home and stay.

YOU'D THINK I'D LIKE IT

I'm having a strange reaction of people's reaction to me. Work colleagues who haven't seen me exclaim when they see me how great I look. How mean of them!

Not to say I'd go back, not for a minute.

I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe I'm just embarrassed at the attention, especially about my looks, that is about my body. In the past, I've gotten compliments on my clothes. Now it's me.

You'd think I'd like it. Weird.

SAME OL', SAME OL'

I have this sinking feeling quite often. It's been happening the last ten years or so and it's always related to money. I got a part-time job with the county library system ten years ago the 30th of this month. I really liked the job and was sure I'd get a full-time position soon.

I haven't.

Meanwhile I got another job writing a weekly column for a local newspaper. Last Jan. I was let go. I have not been able to replace the little bit of money the column brought it. Plus the library hours were cut (I work extra hours.) and on top of that I lost income to furlough days. The month or so after my surgery was pretty hard. If it weren't for my friends and my brother, I don't know what I would have done.

But you'd think I would be able to solve this problem. You'd think I could land a full-time job - somewhere. It's discouraging and hence the sinking feeling.

LONELINESS

Within a week after my surgery last June, I was faced with an almost overwhelming feeling of loneliness and I didn't have M&M's or Mrs. Fields to go to to assuage it. I stood in my little apartment and wondered what to do with myself while panic surged up.

Then I remembered what all the therapists in the world have said: feel it. This is about addiction and addiction is about not feeling. I remembered too what my last shrink said: after the chocolate things will get interesting.

Okay, I thought, I will feel it. I did. And, yes, it got interesting.

I recognized the loneliness as being old and familiar to me from long ago. Had this been what all the eating was about?

I talked to two friends about it. One reminded me that it wouldn't kill me, the other that I was an adult and capable. They were both right.

Not that I don't feel loneliness now. It's a funny thing, isn't it? It comes when you are actually alone and when you're not. Some days at work, after four hours on the reference desk, I feel it and sometimes at the end of a week-end, when I've hardly spoken to anyone, I feel it.

But I've decided that it's ok. Because I'm not eating on it. I'm feeling it. Not fun, but there you are.

A New Bathing Suit

I occurs to me that I need a new bathing suit. What a depressing idea. It ther anything less fun to buy? Other than bra. A couple of weeks ago I tried a suit or two on at Marshall's. Here's what I learned: I may be sizes smaller but I'm still OLD.

Oh, well, if I happily got into a suit when I wore a Size 22 then I can manage now. My pleasure at swimming was stronger than the embarrassment and I didn't have to look at myself!

AT THE MALL

I hadn't been to Sun Valley mall in ages. I do most of my clothes shopping at thrift stores but sometimes it's just easier and almost as cheap to go to Sears. I was looking for bottoms for the summer. When it was warm about a week ago, I had absolutely nothing except a few short-sleeved t's to wear.

Walking through the mall, I noticed how different an experience it is now. I used to be more concerned with what I was going to eat, or buy and take home. See's, Mrs. Fields, MacDonald's and so on, I knew them all well and planned my whole visit around getting treats for myself.

As for the stores, I hardly paid any attention to them. Most were full of clothing that did not fit me. Of course, there are quite a few that are for teens or twenty-somethings. But being a plus-size, I only went into Lane Bryant and the "Women's" departments of Macys, Sears of JPenny.

Now, I have to learn about the "Missus" departments and maybe even venture into one of the smaller stores. And, frankly, I'm glad not to be so focused on See's or Mrs. Fields. It's a huge relief to have that monkey off my back.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN...

Woke up last night with a drippy nose and not wanting snot on my pillow, swallowed. And swallowed again several times before I realized it was a nose bleed. I swallowed again as I sat up, reached for a tissues and got the bathroom. Pinched my nose and waited for the bleeding to stop.

Is it all blood from a nose bleed or other fluids as well? Anyway, went back to bed and fell asleep.

Until I was awakened by that nasty pressure that tells you you're going to vomit. Up out of bed again to the bathroom. I spent several unpleasant minutes retching over the toilet. Nothing came up. Just more retching until the impulse was played out. What a lovely time.

My mind was going through all the food I'd eaten the day before and I couldn't figure what prompted all this. Back to bed and, after some bothersome whirling thoughts about work, I fell asleep.

The alarm went two minutes later and I realized two things: I was calling in sick to work and it was the nose bleed fluid, the blood, that made my stomachette react. So much for drinking blood although I guess it would help you lose weight. As we used to say in high school: gross.

WHICH WEIGHT?

I try to get on the scale every morning before my shower. If my weight has changed, up or down, I write it and the date on a list I keep inside the bathroom cabinet. It's it remained the same, I don't write anything. It helps to keep track.

I've been on a plateau for about a month-plus but recently I've been losing a little bit every couple of days. I'm not doing anything in particular to lose weight. I focus more on getting my water and protein and, yes, not eating too many carbs.

Stepped on the scale this am and stared at it. 163.4 it read. I'm not good at doing math in my head, but for one exciting moment, subtracting 163.4 from 246.4 I came out with 100 down. I lost 100 lbs. I actually looked at myself in the bathroom mirror: this is what -100lbs. looks like?

But I quickly realized that would have meant about 20 lbs down in about a week. When I start losing again, it goes but not that fast. I calm down and do the math. It's 81 lbs. Only.

Only, yeah. Only.

Okay, I think as I step into the shower. 81 lbs. lost is mighty excellent.

At the Nine Month appointment with Dr. Rogers, I changed my Goal Weight from "around 140" to "around 150." Actually, I don't mind being where I am, in the low-60's, but it makes me a little nervous. It's too close to 170 which is too close to 180, which is why too close to 200. So I figure the 150's will be good. It give me wiggle room and puts me at Medium (probably) and around 10/12.

I remember when I weighed 161lb. That was in the early-80's in New York. At one point, I tried amphetamines and lost about 25lbs. I was teaching and needed an interview outfit. Found a navy jacket and skirt and a pretty ruffled blouse. I had to hem the skirt.

I got it pinned up and my husband walked in. I held it up and asked him if the hem looked straight.

It was a Size 16 and my first purchase in that size, but I didn't think. I guess the width of the waist looked huge to him and he blurted out "How big is that?" To give him the benefit I guess he might have been saying: isn't that too big for you? But naturally I heard him criticising me. No, more than criticising; he was making a value judgement about me. Which I accepted, internalized and spent years trying to replace.

MY FACE

I'm having a hard time dealing with my face. Yeah, I know it's the same face I've had for 60-odd years but with the loss of 80-odd lbs. it isn't exactly the same. Sure, I recognize myself, but when did I get so old?

When you're fat, you tend to only look at your face, ignoring what's below your neck except to make sure it's covered enough so as not to scare anyone. Since my surgery, nine months ago, I've concentrated on that ignored area as I watched myself shrink.

Recently, I started paying attention to my face. I know my cheeks were always round and my nose stubby but where did the reedy neck come from and the creases at the side of my mouth?

I can only live with it of course.

Maybe a decent haircut would help.

AN ERRAND

Well, yesterday I took the roll of quarters which I had bought to use for laundry to work. The clerk took it to the bank & exchanged it for a $10 bill. I knew I needed gas. I also need yogurt so today, I went through my DVDs and Cd's, picked out several and drove to Rasputin's in Concord where I knew I could sell them.

This is something of a gamble since I'm never sure how much I will net at Rasputin's but I figured with my $10 any additional money would help. Good old Rasputin's gave me $15 which was more than I had thought.

Next gamble: how much driving around do I do to get to the cheapest gas? The sign said $3.99 a gallon but I didn't read the fine print: with a car wash otherwise it was $4.05. That's pretty much the going rate around here. But had to buy gas so gave over the $15.

Next took my $10 to Target which is on my way home. Wanted to get some protein bars. Could get them .99 a piece at Trader Joe's but I needed 4 days worth so I figured buying the box would make more sense. Then I figured Target's yogurt is cheap, though not as good as Dannon and who knows what's in it. But any port in a storm, three containers of yogurt and - Big Impulse Buy!!! two bananas. Came out with $2 and a little change.

Unfortunately, not enough for a decaf, lowfat tall latte at the Target Starbucks, but that's ok.

Mission accomplished.

WISHES

Once again I am broke and it's a whole week until payday. Hopefully the 2 dolls on eBay will sell but the end of those auctions isn't until Tues. I've sent out resumes, filled out questionnaires, met people and haven't gotten one interview. I wish I could quit work. Wish I could make some money.

Wish I could move. It's gotten warm and this apt. is so stuffy. I actually turned the ac on this evening.

Wish I could get a decent haircut. Haven't had one since before the surgery. Wish I could just go buy moisturizer, a summer robe or a new handbag. Wish I could take a trip or a vacation or go out to dinner with friends without pawning something. Wish I could get all my pawned stuff back. Wish I could get the car fixed, especially the ac - or the windows. Can't make up my mind which would be better.

Wish I could move.

But - I do not wish I could lose weight. That I have covered and that is a BIG DEAL.

NINE MONTHS OUT

My WLS was nine months ago today. Had an appointment to see Dr. R. at UCSF and actually made it on time. Shouldn't have bothered. Had to wait for two hours to get in because they were so backed up.

Got close to that numb feeling you only get in doctors' offices, the airport or the DMV. A nurse came and got me and I had to pull myself together to be civil. She turned out to be very kind and encouraging. She normally worked with cancer patients. I guess because of that I told her about seeing my oncologist last week, Dr. S. and how he had nearly walked out of the room, sure he had the wrong chart. He had been the one who started me thinking seriously about WLS.

He had my history on a laptop; unlike UC which still uses paper files, how quaint. We were able to discuss the changes in my blood work and all and what an improvement I'd experienced. Dr. R. bounded in as usual and was pleased with my progress. He checked my wounds, thought I might need reconstructive surgery on my middle, told me to come back in three months after which he would "cut me loose."

It's good to have all three doctors - I've seen my primary, the oncologist and the surgeon in the last month - pleased with me. Now if my dentist would get aboard.

(The Hopi doll is one I bought in Santa Fe years ago. Isn't she beautiful. She's big, 21" tall and all of cloth with leather boots and great jewelry. She's another thing I like. Makes me happy to look at her.)

Up & Down

Last time I saw the surgeon I had lost 25lbs. in 3 months. Good job! Not this time. I'm bouncing up and down, mostly up. Just a little but still. Kind of discouraging to be back, more or less, to normal. Do I have to DIET? I thought the surgery would mean I didn't have to DIET ever, ever again.

Fuck-a-duck.

So I'm writing down everything - again. Here's one thing I've noticed: protein is high in calories. So it seems I can easily lose weight - or lose my hair and have my nails split and no energy. Great.

And I should weigh myself every am. I almost do that but almost doesn't cut it in the weight-loss game. F-a-d!!!

Not My Hair

I've never thought I was particularly pretty. Especially as I started to gain weight. But even though my hair usually needed a good cut, it was a good color and I had lots of it. It's been real short and fairly long and sometimes - very, very occasionally, just right.

But about two months ago, it started falling out. This is what happens if you don't eat enough protein. Your nails break easily too. But it was the long clumps in the shower - or my hand after a comb out - that really upset me. So I buckled down on the protein. And tried to be gentle with what I had left. Every time I washed it, I peered down at the drain, scooping up what was lost.

The scoops grew smaller and my nails seemed stronger. Perhaps I was getting enough protein.

Then this past Tuesday morning, I decided my bangs were too long. Sure that meant my hair was still growing but it wasn't until I was using the hair dryer, that I could see about an inch of soft new hair along my hair line. It was like finding a new shoot pushing up in your garden. It really was growing back. The support group had said it would and there it was.

Huzzah. Now if I could get myself in for a trim all around.

Cancer Six Years Out

I saw my oncologist yesterday, after missing 2 appointments with him. The first one I missed because I couldn't find the office. Having neither a phone nor a smart phone - or even the phone number with me, I drove around taking a tour of the hills above Pleasant Hill. Didn't even have a map of the correct area. I finally went home and told them I wasn't going to make it. Felt like an idiot.

Second appointment: got to the office...2 hours late!

Is there something a little Freudian going on here. This after an excellent mammo in Oct and clean bills from all the post-weight-loss-surgery docs I've been seeing. And he's a nice person. The oncologist, I mean, but, frankly who wants to see an oncologist.

Anyway, I finally did. He was so excited about my weight-loss. We had a good talk & he went through my blood work, mammo, our last get-together. Encouraged me to get more exercise.

But he wants me back in six months instead of a year like last time. Well, the good news is I know where the place is and I put the appointment in my book...wait, let me check. No, I did.

Funny, to go back and deal with the big ca. Ok, CA. Considering how I got through it was to deny it - while doing what they told me to do - more or less.

I must remember I've done a good, no, an excellent thing for myself by having the surgery and losing the weight. I told the oncologist I felt I'd gained 10 years back and he agreed.

Other Things on My Mind

One huge thing my weight loss has done is knock me out of my dull acceptance of my life. I just don't want to settle anymore. I didn't settle for being fat and I don't want to settle for being in a life I don't want.

How did I get here? Why did I stay? Why can't I catch a break?

The good news is I slipped down a pound and a little. Did some arm & leg exercises. Is that what made me middle ache all day yesterday?

Now I'm just mad - because of work. Trying to calm my anger and...not eat on it. Drink more water.

PLATEAU

I've been more or less on a plateau for a month, gaining half a pound thsn losing it, gaining than losing. Dr. Rogers always asks me how many calories I'm eating. He says it should be 700 or so. My thought is if I wanted to count calories, I'd be on a diet. But as I can eat more things and more food at a meal, I suspect he may be right.

He also said I need to lose all I can while it's easy. Maybe I've gone as far as this is going to go although I don't really think that. Not really.

Blue-ish Week

Been on the verge of tears all weeks. Had an appointment with a job counselor to get advice on my resume. Had 1/2 hr. only so gave her the short version: part-time LA for 10 years and just lost the 10th (or is it the 12th) full-time LA position last month.

"I'm trying to deal with the feeling," I said, and placed my hand over my heart. I meant to say something like: my heart is broken and she said,

"You don't feel valued."

Yeah, that's it. And it makes me sad. Takes away my energy.

But today, I worked out, with help, how to do a small task on the computer and it helped me get back to feeling optimistic.

After all, I'm down 77 lbs. Remember: I'm still me, just a lot thinner. But still me and that's got to be a good thing.

P.S. Found an ice-cream sandwich at Whole Foods with only 6 grams of sugar. Frankly the vanilla ice-cream is almost tasteless but I enjoyed it!

Here's Where I Am.

Waking up, my hands are resting on my abdomen. I stretch my fingers out and feel...what's that?

My ribcage.

My abdomen is concave between the two sides of ribs. I don't know how long it's been since I felt my own bones so clearly.


March 30 will be the 9 month anniversary of my Bariatric Surgery. As of today, February 20, I've lost 75 lbs although to be honest, I did not step on the scale today. I usually do it before stepping into the shower and this being Sunday, I skipped the shower.


Okay.


The question to myself is: why did I wait almost 9 months to start a blog? Especially since I consider myself a writer. Well, mostly a writer. I'm also a theatre director, actor and teacher. I should list that: actor, director, teacher since I first stepped on stage in kindergarten and pretty much fell in love with it. But as the years went by, theatre has lost the siren call. Got to take up more and more time with less and less payoff. If I were making a living at it, it would be different, of course.


Anyway...about the surgery. It was not an easy decision and it hasn't been an easy road although, yes, the weight did come off - and still is. 'Tho that is not as easy now as it was at first.


I started gaining weight in my late-20's and although I would lose 20 or 30 lbs, I'd gain them back and extras as well. A lot of people know all about that. I was an emotional eater especially sugar.


Here's my testimony: Hi, I'm Margot and I'm a sugar addict.


Nothing a couple of bags of M&M's couldn't fix. Or some Mrs. Fields. Or Tasty Cremes. Or See's....oooo, See's.


I couldn't tell you how my serious conversations I've had about See's.


I can tell you this though, nobody gets any respect being a sugar addict. It isn't glamorous or hip. There isn't an episode of "Law and Order" about sugar wars or ruined lives because of Snickers Bars.


And right away I will say one of the best things about the surgery is the sugar monkey is off my back. I walk into CVS, past the candy displays without a qualm. Seriously. At first I wouldn't look at them but the other day, I swear, I stopped and had a look. And there was not a twinge of longing. The monkey is gone.


It's all about the protein now.