CARBS ARE THE PROB

Back up to 165 again and I can blame it on carbs. They are like ants or termites, once one gets in, the rest follow and it's so hard to get rid of them. Now, I haven't gone so far as to eat a cookie - and there was an open box of Safeway c.c. cookies on the table at Ygnacio Vally Lib. on Wed. I was in such a blah mood, bored and tired, that I nearly took a piece.

But I didn't in spite of the rebellious feeling. I was mad at having to be there and I deserved a treat. Not a new idea; I know I've used food as a tranquilizer to get me through whatever I didn't want to go through - like work.

Which is what I did on Thursday. I really wanted a scone but the cafe was out. I should have gone without but I didn't. I bought a muffin. I cut it in several pieces so it took three days to get through it. But I think even the small amount sets up the ol'carb craving.

And let's not forget the sugar. I've been working so hard not to eat too much sugar. One big reason for foregoing the cookie was the idea of getting sick (Dumping) at work. Thank goodness for that fear. It keeps the sugar monkey back.

I guess I didn't realize how scary the carb craving is and all the protein bars with fake chocolate won't assuage it. I know it's a chemical thing but it's about so much more: fun, comfort, a treat.

All the good times included food and the food was often carbs: birthday cake, mashed potatoes, pizza, pasta, and, yes, chocolate chip cookies.

Is that about loneliness again? Well, yes, but it's also about getting through. Which is what we're all trying to do, right? Some of us are just better than others of us.

But really what this is all about is emotional eating and the role food has played in my life. I'm trying to work the system, trying to get around the rules to get back to the old comfort of not feeling.

Bummer, Man

Got an email from Admin that I was going to get a certificate for my 10 years at the lib. "Congratulations, Patricia!" continued the email.

Jeeze, I knew they didn't know who I was - or care. Jeeze, if it weren't so pathetic it would be funny, which it sort of is.

Am I a chump for sticking it out for ten years?

I worry now that I'll be old to do something else. Am I doomed to spend the next X number of years in this apartment, at that job, nearly penniless but with great medical benefits? That was the plan Pre-Surgery because I could eat chocolate. Now I can't and I cannot do this.

My flight to the reunion over Memorial Day week-end stops in Albuquerque. Maybe I'll get off on the way home and stay.

YOU'D THINK I'D LIKE IT

I'm having a strange reaction of people's reaction to me. Work colleagues who haven't seen me exclaim when they see me how great I look. How mean of them!

Not to say I'd go back, not for a minute.

I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe I'm just embarrassed at the attention, especially about my looks, that is about my body. In the past, I've gotten compliments on my clothes. Now it's me.

You'd think I'd like it. Weird.

SAME OL', SAME OL'

I have this sinking feeling quite often. It's been happening the last ten years or so and it's always related to money. I got a part-time job with the county library system ten years ago the 30th of this month. I really liked the job and was sure I'd get a full-time position soon.

I haven't.

Meanwhile I got another job writing a weekly column for a local newspaper. Last Jan. I was let go. I have not been able to replace the little bit of money the column brought it. Plus the library hours were cut (I work extra hours.) and on top of that I lost income to furlough days. The month or so after my surgery was pretty hard. If it weren't for my friends and my brother, I don't know what I would have done.

But you'd think I would be able to solve this problem. You'd think I could land a full-time job - somewhere. It's discouraging and hence the sinking feeling.

LONELINESS

Within a week after my surgery last June, I was faced with an almost overwhelming feeling of loneliness and I didn't have M&M's or Mrs. Fields to go to to assuage it. I stood in my little apartment and wondered what to do with myself while panic surged up.

Then I remembered what all the therapists in the world have said: feel it. This is about addiction and addiction is about not feeling. I remembered too what my last shrink said: after the chocolate things will get interesting.

Okay, I thought, I will feel it. I did. And, yes, it got interesting.

I recognized the loneliness as being old and familiar to me from long ago. Had this been what all the eating was about?

I talked to two friends about it. One reminded me that it wouldn't kill me, the other that I was an adult and capable. They were both right.

Not that I don't feel loneliness now. It's a funny thing, isn't it? It comes when you are actually alone and when you're not. Some days at work, after four hours on the reference desk, I feel it and sometimes at the end of a week-end, when I've hardly spoken to anyone, I feel it.

But I've decided that it's ok. Because I'm not eating on it. I'm feeling it. Not fun, but there you are.

A New Bathing Suit

I occurs to me that I need a new bathing suit. What a depressing idea. It ther anything less fun to buy? Other than bra. A couple of weeks ago I tried a suit or two on at Marshall's. Here's what I learned: I may be sizes smaller but I'm still OLD.

Oh, well, if I happily got into a suit when I wore a Size 22 then I can manage now. My pleasure at swimming was stronger than the embarrassment and I didn't have to look at myself!

AT THE MALL

I hadn't been to Sun Valley mall in ages. I do most of my clothes shopping at thrift stores but sometimes it's just easier and almost as cheap to go to Sears. I was looking for bottoms for the summer. When it was warm about a week ago, I had absolutely nothing except a few short-sleeved t's to wear.

Walking through the mall, I noticed how different an experience it is now. I used to be more concerned with what I was going to eat, or buy and take home. See's, Mrs. Fields, MacDonald's and so on, I knew them all well and planned my whole visit around getting treats for myself.

As for the stores, I hardly paid any attention to them. Most were full of clothing that did not fit me. Of course, there are quite a few that are for teens or twenty-somethings. But being a plus-size, I only went into Lane Bryant and the "Women's" departments of Macys, Sears of JPenny.

Now, I have to learn about the "Missus" departments and maybe even venture into one of the smaller stores. And, frankly, I'm glad not to be so focused on See's or Mrs. Fields. It's a huge relief to have that monkey off my back.